1. 25 worms a day
2. shove food up your butt instead
3. hire a team of midgets to jump up and down on your stomach every morning before you leave the house (if you even leave the house you fat fucking monster)
5. KILL YOUSELF
6. DATE MOUSELLINIS GHOST
7. LOOK how nicely i spelled mousellini up there!!!
8. .fuck your dog
9. just do it and dont ask questions
10. AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS
11. ARE YOU PREGNANT ? if so immediately get an abortion. get two abortions. dont stop getting abortions. turn your vagina into a screaming vacuum of death. make it a mobile DIY abortion clinic. use your vagina to abort other peoples babies. point your abortion machine at other pregnant people and suck their babies into your fucking vagina then double abort them because your a bad bitch and you dont give a fuck. #doubleabortion #YASQUEEEN
12. get your dog to fuck a horse
13. make a sex tape of your dog fucking a horse
14. is your dad cheating on you with your mom??? EAT THEM BOTH FOR DINNER HUMAN FLESH HAS NO CALORIES.
15. start talking to your food that way you will be less inclined to eat it and you can start to think of it as friends. this may also get you institutionalized which is pretty hot and i think that in insane asylums you really just take pills and drink peptobismal. i saw american horror story. i know things.
16 have you ever noticed that your toaster is actually really sexy and sort of eager to get to know you but you never even gave him a chance because he always does what you want. its like why did you friendzone your fucking toaster you dumb bitch do you know how many girls would love to have a toaster like yours?? MY TOASTER HAS FUCKING DEMONS LIVING INSIDE OF IT GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. I TRY TO MAKE TOAST AND IT FUCKING JUST IMMEDIATELY BURSTS INTO FLAMES I SWEAR I CAN HEAR HIM LAUGHING AT ME hes looking at me right now i swear to god hes plotting something. im gonna be taking a fucking bath one day and hes just gonna jump right in he doesn't give a shit i know he would kill himself to get to me. hes fucking CRAZY
17. get your dog pregnant and give it an abortion
18. shove celery up your nose and down your throat to stop getting all that air weight
19. stop drinking water. DRINKING WATER ADDS TO YOUR WATER WEIGHT AND MAKES YOU A FUCKING FAT FATTY FAT UGLY PIGGO BITCH
20. carry a radiator in your purse to stay sweaty and ready for spaghetti
21. dont swallow ANYTHING
22. ice is a carbohydrate so dont fucking eat it
23. give me your address so i can send you daily fit bits and FUCKING COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND CUT OF YOUR GOD DAMN FAT LIMBS YOU COW
24. Whn you walk lift your knees to your chin at all times so as to maximize calorie burining #fitbit
25. Snort a line before each meal, do not eat that meal, the line was your meal.
26. if you do not spend every minute of every day at the gym i cant fucking even with you
Get the Largest fucking jar of Mayo you can find, Cover your entire face, head, hair, everything in mayo. The key here is to completely fill your nose, throat, mouth- all airways with the mayo. Once you are completely unable to breathe you know you are finished- no breathing, no aging!!
Set for 24 hours, rinse, and SHINEE YOU YOUTHFUL BITCH
This Week's Mantra...
"Inhale the mayo, exhale the old wrinkly bitch"