10 things I did at the party shack that made your mom cry:

1. told her about my sex life
2. took it deeEEEEP in the ass as a straight woman
3. i don't personally have a problem with amber rose but why is she famous?
4. stabbing 
5. i told your mom what you did last summer
6. ok the surPRISE TWIST IS THAT IM YOUR FUCKING MOM HA HA .  STUPID YOU THOUGHT THAT IMPOSTER LOVED YOU! YOUR MOTHER IS A  ROBOT
EVERY KISS YOU HAVE EVER GOTTEN FROM YOUR MOM
HAS BEEN A LIE,
SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ENOUGH
AND SHE NEVER HELD IN YOU IN THE COLD COLD NIGHT BECAUSE IT IS A COLD FAKE ROBOT
PEEL HER FACE OFF AND GUESS WHAT YOU WILL FIND UNDERNEATH
FRIGID METAL ROBOT REALNESS
7. Sorrryy honey i'm not sure what came over you i love uuuuuuuuuuuummmm but 
8. ITS MY HOUSE NOW 
9. this is for all my homies that grew up with parents. 
10. which leads us nicely into our next guerrilla listicle take over:

Are you my Dad?
1. I wouldn't know because all I remember is the back of his head

as he walked out the door 
2.
3. What's a dad?
4. according to Cosmoo: (cosmo for cows) not every DAD is a DADDY
4. i WILL SUCK DICK FOR CRACK AND I WILL ENJOY IT. 
(if you're my dad)
5. WOULD YOU SUCK YOUR DADS DICK FOR CRACK (emotional)

6b. your uncle? ( p r o v o c a t i v e          c o n t e n t         w a r n i n g )

7. BUT THEN would you suck your grandpa's ghost dick for crack....
8. My mom once accused me of freebasing crack and I was like "mom what's freebasing" and then she showed me and i was like cool but "WHERE"S MY DAD YOU"RE NOT MY DAD"
8. order me another drink where is my mercedes?

10 Things I Like About Pedophile Awareness Group
1. The brownies
2. The coffee 
3. Olivia Benson
4. 
5. year olds 

20 Things that are NOT acceptable at Pedophile day care.
1. oversharing
2. videotaping
3. childsharing
4. scatting
5. soft jazz
6. kids napping
7. donald trumplestilkson 
10. Olivia Benson
8. where is h a r a m b e
​
10. things that don't digest after you eat them
1. lamps
2. corn 
3.
4. pennies
5. gumballs
6. take it from me baby
7.
8. plastic
9. hot sauceeeeeeeeeeeee
10. hot dog
11. I could really use that money. I mean like its fine I can pay my rent, but if you have a horde of flying monkeys that you have to feed every morning it adds up. and it's just so hard to make ends meet. 
-this is from a bit where I pretend to be the wicked witch of the west considering getting into sex work 
12. sometimes I think about getting a dog or a cat but then I also think about maybe getting 15 crows and just having them fly around me all the time