Sat, 05 Sep 2026 06:56:18 -0700WeeblySun, 15 Nov 2015 08:00:00 GMThttps://www.illiteratewhitegirl.com/17-things-i-did-to-the-girl-i-met-on-tinder-who-didnt-look-like-her-photos/giddy-up-tindr-beeeeoooochhhh1.  Ew.

2.  Should I put her in a coma?

3.  Sex Tape.

4.  Asking for a drink = me putting my dick in your mouth.  

5.  She's prettier when her face is covered in my cum.

6.  WHY AREN'T YOU TWO DIMENSIONAL?

7.  ALL WOMEN ARE FULL OF LIES.

8.  MOM.

9.  Despite my hysterical screaming - my throwing bottles at the back of her head as I chase her with a plastic bag, she has not left.  At this point I decide to reconsider my plan of action.  I calm myself down, stop chasing her, apologize for my violent/erratic behavior, and offer her a real drink (one that isn't comprised of my cum).  It would be easy for her to leave while I'm in the kitchen, however, she is so ugly and three dimensional I am almost positive that she will stay.  I fix her a glass of Campari and look in the pantry to see what additional ingredients I can add: orange bitters, captain crunch, kimchi, Rohypnol - then I see it.  The old bottle of cyanide that I used on the last ugly tinder girl.  I had invited her over to play video games.  She was so much larger than her photograph (which I had printed out to play Mario Kart with). Her photograph, who I like to refer to as Cassandra, was a marvelous companion, quiet and thoughtful with Mona Lisa eyes.  She somehow managed to look at my beard, my penis, and Mario all at the same time.  I felt myself falling beneath the power of her gaze.  I can't remember the name of her three dimensional counterpart.  I actually forgot about her entirely until I found the cyanide in the pantry.  This ugly bitch was a giant to Cassandra's 8.5 by 11 inches.  When I invited her inside to play Mario Kart she sat directly on Cassandra's face.  She was surprised by my reaction to her violent entrance and I could feel her offense as she pealed my beloved Cassandra out of her asshole.  It was clear to me that she was a sociopath incapable of comprehending her own murderous actions.  I had no choice but to seek revenge on the demon who had damaged my one true love.  

10.  Put cyanide in her beer.

11.  Make sure that you're done raping her and are mostly done with the sex video because cyanide works pretty quickly.

12.  Don't let her see you put ANYTHING into her beer.  If she's onto you she might fight back.

13.  Pet her photograph.  Pull your dick out and jiz all over it.

14.  How does the capsule work so quickly?  The only ones that know are dead.

15.  I love plastic bags I love plastic bags I love plastic bags.

16.  If she dies and you haven't finished the sex tape you can keep going- just be sure to change the title (again, please refer to 10 ways to show the girl in the coma that you love her to find out how to make the most out of sleeping with a dead girl). 

17.  Once you've jacked off all over her chest and you probably want to get rid of the body so that it doesn't begin to fester in your apartment.  If there is a bonfire coming up, this is ideal.  Just burn her corpse in the woods nearby and everyone will assume that the smoke is coming from the bon fire.  If not, you have to find a completely deserted forest or a large body of water.  Watch an episode of SVU.  Take notes.  ]]>